Girl-isms

Okay, gentlemen. I know girls seem like another race to you. (Hell, we are.) And I know half the things we say don't make any sense. But I like to think that I fit in somewhere between 'female friend' and 'bro'. So I'm gonna help you out a little bit and translate a few girl-isms into language that I'm fairly sure guys can understand.

Oh, by the way, SEXISM ALERT. (FYI, I do consider men and women equal, but regardless of your views on the subject you have to admit that we think differently.) BROAD GENERALIZATIONS AHEAD. Yes, there are exceptions. But whatever.

1) She says: "How does this look?" (In reference to a piece of clothing.)
Alternate phrasing: "Does this make me look fat?" or "Which dress do you like better?"

What she wants to hear: "You look great in anything!" or "It looks awesome!"

In other words, she's fishing for compliments here. Very rarely will a girl actually ask a guy's advice for fashion help (unless he's gay or metrosexual.) If you are straight, and a girl asks you this, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU ARE DATING OR NOT, she's looking to be complimented.

What you should say/do: Point wordlessly at the closest other girl. If she questions it, say, "Ask her" or "I don't know" or "I'm the wrong person to ask." UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU ACTUALLY GIVE A STRAIGHT ANSWER. You have been warned.

2) You are at a dance or other social function. She asks: "Why aren't you dancing?"
Alternate phrasing: "You look lonely," "Everyone's over here," or "Come join us!"

What she means: "Ask me to dance, dammit" or "Quit being antisocial". Girls (in general) are all about the social scene and if you're her date, you're probably expected to do more than just sit and eat and avoid crowds (even though you really want to. Trust me, I know.) If she resorts to a question that you suspect might be a dreaded TRICK question, it's a clue that she's unhappy, not just concerned about YOUR social-ness. It's more likely that she wants attention.

What you should say/do: In 95% of these situations, I would say give in. You're not going to win this one. Ask her to dance, or go socialize with her friends. Even if she pretends like she doesn't want to dance, she probably still does and is just waiting for you to ask her anyway. YES, every once in a while you'll run into that girl who thinks social functions are just as dumb as you do, and she'd rather go ride escalators or set the fake scenery on fire. But it's fairly safe to assume she's not one of those girls.

3) She says: "I missed you yesterday."
Alternate phrasing: "I feel like I never see you," or "It's been a while."

(Side note: this applies to girlfriends only and not girl-friends/female friends.)

What she means: "I feel like I am not getting to spend enough time with you and I feel excluded/ignored/unloved in this relationship."

Sometimes, the girlfriend who pulls this card is the freakazoidal-clingy type. But I see a lot of guys use the word 'clingy' too often in situations where it doesn't apply.

Here's a rule-of-thumb. A girl who wants to see you more often is NOT clingy, she just genuinely likes/loves you. This type of girl will usually phrase her concerns like "I miss you" or "I feel like I never see you."

A girl DESERVING of the title clingy will sound much more passive-aggressive about it. Instead of "I miss you," she might bring up people that she thinks you hang out with more than her. She will get snippy about you hanging out with other girls, even if you don't flirt with them. Sometimes she will even get jealous of your bromance. This type of girl is the one you want to be careful about.

What you should say/do: If you honestly can't tell which type of girl you're dealing with, ask another girl. NOT YOUR GUY-FRIENDS, NOT YOUR BROMANCE. ASK A GIRL. Heck, ask me. Once you're sure you've got Genuine and not Clingy, make an effort to see her more. If you can't see her, at least text her. When you're busy, TELL her that, and explain that it doesn't mean you don't like her or want to spend time with her. Then make sure you actually do what you've said you'd do. Don't back out on dates, and don't make up conflicts. Be honest.

If you've got Clingy and not Genuine, well, God be with you. Maybe I'll do a 'How Not to Break Up With Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend' post some other time.

4) She says: "Oh, (insert other friend's name here) is coming too?"
Alternate phrasing: "I didn't know you invited him" or "I thought it would just be the two of us."

Try to avoid this one at all costs. In other words, don't invite your guy friends to a date, even if it's something laid-back like going to a movie or bowling or something like that. When you make plans, be sure to be clear about whether it's a Group Hangout or a Date. Set it in stone from the get-go. That way you don't get in trouble accidentally inviting people to something you thought was a Group Hangout and she thought was a Date.

In the event of a miscommunication (e.g. if she actually says something about it) be honest. Say, "I didn't realize it was a date" or "I didn't know you wanted it to be just you and me." Follow it up with an apology, even if you're not sure if you were in the wrong. It's better to apologize when she doesn't expect it than to not apologize when she does. If you feel comfortable cancelling on whomever you invited, then do it; if not (and I totally understand) then make separate plans for some other time when you can actually have your Date.

Okay. It's now 1:09 AM, and I've run out of girl-isms for now, but I'm sure I'll think of more later, so expect a Girl-isms Part II or something in the (maybe) near future. I hope these help, and if they didn't, well, I hope they at least amused. :) 'Cause that's why I'm here.

Irresponsibility

So it turns out my paper isn't due till midnight tomorrow. Which means I don't feel bad about writing a blog post instead of working on it. Hey, I cranked out three pages tonight. I'd call that progress.

Anyway, I'm in Kansas for a family funeral today, which sucks. (The funeral, not Kansas. Kansas is actually rather nice.) It's cool, though, that I saw family that I don't ordinarily get to see, because we're a huge family and we live all over the world (literally.) Especially since most of my cousins are older than me, which means most of them are married and having ADORABLE children.

(Side note: I love kids. Kids are awesome. I'm going to have five thousand of them. Probably.)

It also means that all the aunts and uncles were comparing the current toddlers to various family members when they were little. There was this big family picture at the memorial service of the last time the whole family was together - which we figured must have been taken 14 or 15 years ago. My cousin Peter is in it, who I don't remember because he died when I was too young to really know him. And my brother is just two or three, sitting on my grandpa's lap with this look of 'I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE AND ALL YOU PEOPLE SUCK.'

It's definitely a nineties photo because my dad is still rocking his full beard, and my mom's shirt had shoulder pads in it (wow) and my Aunt Jodi has some seriously bad glasses going on (you know, the kind that probably double as shop safety glasses.) And there's Joelle, over on the side of the picture in a plaid dress (dress!) and tights, posing like a friggin' supermodel. Yes. Posing. Mom tells me every time the photographer snapped a new picture I struck a different pose. Keep in mind I was maybe five at the time, and already a complete diva.

I can't figure out how to get that picture on here, but here's a similar one I'm sure you'll like:

Elementary school. We'd just done 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.' I was the fairy queen. Yeah.



Wanna guess which one Joelle is? (If you guessed the one with ramrod-straight posture and the flower tiara, you guessed correctly.) Good Lord. I guess I really was born that way. Once a diva, always a diva.